I don’t feel well. I suppose you could say I almost never feel well anymore. Not since abut a month ago. Maybe a little less or more, but it certainly feels like a long time. It adds up when it’s an unlucky thing, doesn’t it? It’s kind of a lot of relatively little things. Work makes me feel ill most of the time. Dehydration and heat, especially when it’s hot early in the mornings. And then a lot of physical exertion and stress and temperature changes walking in and out of the walk-ins and freezer… At any rate, most days I feel at least a little nauseous for at least a few hours almost every day. Yeah, it varies, what in life doesn’t, but it’s almost always there. Then the body aches; my ankles, feet, and knees being the most common. The real pain in the butt is the random ache that starts at my shoulder, really manifests at my elbow and runs all the way down to the knuckle of my middle finger. On my left arm. Makes ya think I’m having a stroke right? If so, I’ve had over a dozen and they last for an entire evening or day or whenever it starts. It pretty much doesn’t end until I lay down completely with it flat on the bed straight and limp. No use whatsoever. And the random chest thingy. I’m not so sure it’s pain… it’s half anxiousness, or so it feels. That strange constricting around the chest… like a straightjacket was used just across my heart and cinched a little too tight. You know how that is right? The most distressing of them all, I think.
It makes me wonder, on my worse days… My Mondays and Thursdays and other rotten days… why I’m still here. Why I don’t say “I’m no quitter, but this is too much.” and put in my notice. I suppose sheer force of will… I suppose because I don’t quit… But I don’t know why, nonetheless - I ought to, oughtn‘t I? There are a lot of aspects about it here I love. I love the BOH crew, I love some of the people I’ve met, I love the feel of Laurel dorm, I love what I do for my job, I love a lot of things about it. Heck, I love going to the EDR in the mornings early and chatting with Dennis while he makes my eggs…
But still sometimes, especially at night when everything slows down and I can think and reflect and relax, I wonder why I deal with all this. And after a “good nights sleep” (as if it cures everything) I’ll think of this as silliness to say aloud (or type out) and be quite happy and content - until the illness and pains set in again. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t all attack at once, and they don’t always all attack on the same day. Usually not. They keep it spread out so when something is on it’s weekend, something else is there to pick up the slack. The trick is that nothing is SO bad I can’t work through it. Not even two or three of them at once is so bad I can’t work through it and fake it well. But it wears on you, you know? It adds up at the end of the day, when there’s no one to fake it for, and nothing to work at. Then it’s just pain and annoyance.
So yes, this is my complaint for the day. Well, longer than a day in both directions, but nonetheless… There’s my complaint. There’s the reason behind my “why am I still here? WHY am I staying for THREE MORE MONTHS?!” There’s my… concern almost. I have no idea why the arm pain goes off, or the chest pain/anxiousness thingy. I’m not super concerned. More the concerned I was when a portion of my foot went numb (still is, by the way, for those of you who know what I’m talking about)… Kind of concerned, especially when I think about it. But mostly just another annoyance. What’s going to be done about it anyway? They’ve proven they don’t do much when I broke my foot, even if I was to get all my odd annoyances checked out. Just exactly like when a portion of my foot went numb. And just like that, I suppose, I’ll just learn to deal and forget about it however I might. (I just wish I knew what was wrong with me! I don’t care so much about fixing it, just finding the cause!)
ANYhow. I think I’m done. I could ramble more, but I fear this is already becoming confusingly long. Thanks for listening.
You broke your foot? It's definitely concerning. Lots of good stretching. Maybe a good pair of shoes and a water bottle. I know, I know, you don't need advice, but still.... I really think you should get it checked out.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely allowed at least one complaint. However, I agree with your sister. You need to get it checked out. Don't let it get worse just because you don't think the dr will do anything. I have the numbness in my hands on occasion, and it turns out it is coming from my neck - arthritis. I never would have guessed, but when I get my neck worked on, my hands work better for me. It could be that using ice or heat on your neck could help the hands, but I definitely say - GET IT CHECKED. Don't take a chance on it.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, no Crystal, when I broke my foot in the fifth grade, remember? I went to the same doctor who screwed up Dad's knee. Even though Mom and I could see the cracks on the x-ray, he glanced at it, proclaimed it not broken, and said to walk on it as soon as the pain goes away.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of it, perhaps I'll get it checked, but not til I get home. Here the clinic all tells everyone they have the same thing and give them the same prescription or note...