How To: Tourist

Being a tourist is all well and good. I've been the tourist many times. My fiancee and I can't tell whether we are permanent tourists or temporary locals. Personally, I like to go with temporary locals. Part of that reason is because I dislike being lumped into the "tourist" group. The typical tourist. Many seasonal workers have many nick-names for them. Terrorist-tourists, tourons(morons), BOB's (bitches on busses). The list goes on.
It's unfair. Many people are quite GOOD tourists, there are just so many who ruin the title. So here I decided to give a few pointers on how to be a tourist.

Tip 1 - get away from the car. One of Chris' favorite statistics is how most tourists don't get more than 100 yards from the car. Silver Falls in Oregon - all the best falls are farther out. Yellowstone 2.2 million acres - come on people! Chicken, Alaska - seems small but all the amazing overlooks and hunting is a hike or a cars-won't-get-here-take-a-4 wheeler-ride road away. Cars are comfortable and remind us all of home, but you're not home anymore people! Get out there and EXPLORE! That's why you went out in the first place!

Tip 2 - Ask where the locals go. West Yellowstone has a DQ and a few pizza joints and a chinese place. Sure. Where do you find the locals? The Wild West Pizza joint has some of the best pizza EVER, the Chinese place is good. TACO BUS!! Everywhere else is almost pure tourists. There's a reason locals go where the go. They KNOW.
 Locals would also rather watch Castle or Lonestar go off than Old Faithful. For the record.

Tip 3 - Read the menu. Then follow it. I understand some people have legit special needs and a small substitution now and then is no big deal. However, those that either don't look at the menu or look and then STILL order somethign COMPLETELY different need to be lobotomized. You're on vacation. What's so terrible about ordering something ON menu - even if it's new for you? You're not at IHOP or Burgerking. You can't count on getting it "your way". Beside - cooks generally know whats good. Pay attention, there's probably something AMAZING on that menu you won't look at.

Tip 4 - Talk to strangers. This is a hard one. I know - Momma always said not to talk to strangers. It was hard for me personally to break out of my shell - and I'm still working on it. It's worth it. There ARE idiots out there that you find yourself wishing you'd never smiled at (but there are back home too), however a lot of people will share awesome - or at least mildly interesting - stories abotu where they're from or their travels or what they saw while they were in that same space you're in too. Typically, I'll take my meal out to the dining area (which is out-doors here), cock my chair away from the table and listen until I find a friendly group who wants to talk. Knowing the area is my leg in. Where is this? How is that? When did that get there? Oh, I know! Pardon me, but here's your answer. I've met so many cool people. I don't know names, won't remember faces, but have stories and a general good feeling about the day. I get home and go "hey honey, you'll never guess where this couple was from today!" Things like that.

Tip 5 - Go to the bar. I didn't say drink. I didn't say get drunk. As long as you're not an AA member who can't stand the smell of alcohol, go to the bar. Order a soda, I don't care. This is another "talk to people" things. There's always locals there - usually they're the rowdy ones. The easiest way to get to a locals heart? Buy them a drink. Most of us will buy you the next. Suddenly we're lifelong pals and yeah lets go shooting, I know a great place up on the ridge, you game? (here in Chicken at least) In yellowstone it'd be "This bars to spendy, I got some vodka in the room, just don't tell people you're a tourist and come along! There's a dorm party tonight!" But you see what I mean? The tour directors won't know where the very best hunting spots, the perfect-temp hot springs, the coolest watering holes are. But a drunk local? Holy hell, people.

Tip 6 - Prepare for it all. The easiest way to blow money is to pack for sunshine and summertime only to encounter a typical Chicken thunder storm and suddenly need rain gear. Oh they'll sell it to you, but there goes the money you wanted to use to buy that kitchy thing you found in the gift-shop. I'm Oregonian - I rock it layer style. It helps me to not have to pack super amounts and still be prepared. A cute shirt or two and a tanktop, jeans and shorts (and swimwear - ALWAYS swimwear), 2 pairs of socks and underwear MORE than I need, shoes and sandals, and a lightweight jacket that's mostly rainproof will last me a 3 or 4 days and weather. Keep in mind also when you pack to save room for the stuff you know you'll buy to bring home. AND that some of what you buy will be clothes. You don't need five shirts for a three shirt vaca if you're going to be buying at least one "Been Here" shirt.

Tip 7 - Leave wiggle room. Some can afford only a few hours of wiggle room, some up to a day. I try to always leave a day. You never know. Traffic jam, animals on the road, airport delay, hey look at that cool trail/overlook, that wasn't on the brochure but I want to see it, hungover and overslept (damn local drank me under the table last night! But it was fun), Any number of things, good and bad will delay you. Practically Murphey's Law, isn't it?

Tip 8 - Allergies. Be aware. If you have allergies, realisitcally, you can't count on eating out. Not everywhere can accomodate every allergy. Especially the deadlier they are. A little backed up with a milk so "no cheese on my sandwhich" - no big deal. Going to die if I eat peanuts - so please no nuts. Seriously? Then bring your own food. First off, most places have that sign up, that allergen warning. That clears their ass in case you DO die. Second, a lot of places just won't go out of their way. LARGE volume joints don't have the time or space typically. People that will go out of their way for you - be nice to. It takes time. Sanitize the entire area especially for you, make sure nothing touches anything else, basically baby your dish specifically through production - taking extra time AND taking their time and energy away from everyone else's food. Think about it. Be courteous if you DO bring allergies to a food joint. If you have BAD allergies, just bring your own food. Sure, look at menus, talk to the people, maybe you can get something - but dear lord don't count on it. Also keep in mind the farther into Middle of Nowhere territory you go, the less they are able to accomodate your allergies.

Tip 9 - Tag shock. We all get it - 'A shirt is HOW much?' Again - remember where you are and why you're there. Vacation to some kind of middle-of-nowhere. Think about how far you drove to get there and how far they have to ship ANYTHING from clothes to wine to food. Yes, your soda is 75 cents back home, they don't have to pay for shipment off the normal route. Even ski resorts - just because they're not OUT there doesn't mean they're not OUT there. Up this mountain off that side road is NOT on ANYONE's normal route, I can assure you. Again - the farther out into Nowhere territory you go, prices go up. Realize, then get over. Our most spendy item is halibut - because it costs more to get it here. Our burgers are more spendy than anywhere else, because the price of BEEF in ALASKA is high - it makes sense.

Tip 10 - Vacation or trip are not code words for brainless. I know people are smarter than they let on, but they think that it's Disneyland and everything is supposed to cater to them so they leave their valubles and their brain at home. Unacceptable people. Almost all of the above qualifies as "just think about it" if only you would kindly take your brains with you next time you leave the house.

Ten tips. A good start. Keep in mind tips is all this is. Just things to think about. If you opt to not follow my advice a little or at all that's perfectly fine too. There's more to be said on the subject I'm sure, and maybe I'll add to the list at a later date.