My biggest comlaint (I'm allowed one, right?)

I don’t feel well. I suppose you could say I almost never feel well anymore. Not since abut a month ago. Maybe a little less or more, but it certainly feels like a long time. It adds up when it’s an unlucky thing, doesn’t it? It’s kind of a lot of relatively little things. Work makes me feel ill most of the time. Dehydration and heat, especially when it’s hot early in the mornings. And then a lot of physical exertion and stress and temperature changes walking in and out of the walk-ins and freezer… At any rate, most days I feel at least a little nauseous for at least a few hours almost every day. Yeah, it varies, what in life doesn’t, but it’s almost always there. Then the body aches; my ankles, feet, and knees being the most common. The real pain in the butt is the random ache that starts at my shoulder, really manifests at my elbow and runs all the way down to the knuckle of my middle finger. On my left arm. Makes ya think I’m having a stroke right? If so, I’ve had over a dozen and they last for an entire evening or day or whenever it starts. It pretty much doesn’t end until I lay down completely with it flat on the bed straight and limp. No use whatsoever. And the random chest thingy. I’m not so sure it’s pain… it’s half anxiousness, or so it feels. That strange constricting around the chest… like a straightjacket was used just across my heart and cinched a little too tight. You know how that is right? The most distressing of them all, I think.
It makes me wonder, on my worse days… My Mondays and Thursdays and other rotten days… why I’m still here. Why I don’t say “I’m no quitter, but this is too much.” and put in my notice. I suppose sheer force of will… I suppose because I don’t quit… But I don’t know why, nonetheless - I ought to, oughtn‘t I? There are a lot of aspects about it here I love. I love the BOH crew, I love some of the people I’ve met, I love the feel of Laurel dorm, I love what I do for my job, I love a lot of things about it. Heck, I love going to the EDR in the mornings early and chatting with Dennis while he makes my eggs…
But still sometimes, especially at night when everything slows down and I can think and reflect and relax, I wonder why I deal with all this. And after a “good nights sleep” (as if it cures everything) I’ll think of this as silliness to say aloud (or type out) and be quite happy and content - until the illness and pains set in again. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t all attack at once, and they don’t always all attack on the same day. Usually not. They keep it spread out so when something is on it’s weekend, something else is there to pick up the slack. The trick is that nothing is SO bad I can’t work through it. Not even two or three of them at once is so bad I can’t work through it and fake it well. But it wears on you, you know? It adds up at the end of the day, when there’s no one to fake it for, and nothing to work at. Then it’s just pain and annoyance.
So yes, this is my complaint for the day. Well, longer than a day in both directions, but nonetheless… There’s my complaint. There’s the reason behind my “why am I still here? WHY am I staying for THREE MORE MONTHS?!” There’s my… concern almost. I have no idea why the arm pain goes off, or the chest pain/anxiousness thingy. I’m not super concerned. More the concerned I was when a portion of my foot went numb (still is, by the way, for those of you who know what I’m talking about)… Kind of concerned, especially when I think about it. But mostly just another annoyance. What’s going to be done about it anyway? They’ve proven they don’t do much when I broke my foot, even if I was to get all my odd annoyances checked out. Just exactly like when a portion of my foot went numb. And just like that, I suppose, I’ll just learn to deal and forget about it however I might. (I just wish I knew what was wrong with me! I don’t care so much about fixing it, just finding the cause!)
ANYhow. I think I’m done. I could ramble more, but I fear this is already becoming confusingly long. Thanks for listening.

I did the thing where even though the internets are down I write it up and post it later. So this is from a few days ago and earlier today... No biggie. Here ya go...


So it’s late, but I’m too hungry/thirsty to sleep (munchin’ on jerky and Arizona Iced Tea - no worries)… Meanwhile, tonight was the talent show - park wide. One of our own Laurel boys made it to the finals. Cal beat boxed his way to second place in our local talent show - and on a whim! I didn’t go, but from what I hear he just was like “sure, I’ll do it” and DID! Anyway, he rocks, I assure you. He sadly didn’t place but was still good. The pianist won - did two songs, one Motzart, and half way through the Motzart he was blindfolded (mid-note by this girl!) and only MOMENTARILY misplaced his fingers twice. The second place should have gone to Cal, but this two-man comic relief group got it. They did an original song, and it was hilarious, granted. The entire bit was funny… but it’s a TALENT show, not a comedy competition. Third place went to another comic relief guy, who had talent, to be sure… but not as much as some of the others I think. Just a different kind. See, he writes his own songs - on the spot. Which is cool, but the song was a total comic relief kind. He probably placed, not for quality of talent, but quantity. He didn’t just sing, he sang, played guitar, and wrote a song on the spot. If he concentrated on just one at a time, he could probably be quite brilliant. Anyway, there were some great singers - someone even did Bobby McGee. Really well, too.
There were two hilarious things happened. One made me want to shoot the “performer”… A guy did “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” by Elton John… ‘Cept the track he used was the normal song track, not a purely accompaniment track. So he was trying to sing JUST like Elton John - tone, timbre, feel, and attitude, everything…. OVER Elton John!! Everything was horrible. The least he could have done was turned off the mic and given us a visual lip sync performance (except that usually he was a beat fast!) And as was pointed out to me, that sure says something about the talent at Grant. See, the finalists are the top two from each location. And if that’s the second place talent there, I’m depressed!
The other thing was that, as we all know, I live in Laurel dorm. Cal is from Laurel dorm. So EVERY TIME the MC said “Laurel Dorm” EVERYONE from Laurel SCREAMED. It was awesome. He tried it with a few others and it was an occasional “yeah” from a guy or two. Laurel - got a full thirty seconds of cheer! When we got there we all made efforts to sit together, and a friend from another location was like “why?” after the first half I was like “you see why now??” she said we were all crazy as heck. I was like, yeah. So what else is new? Project Laurel yo! It’s great living in a community dorm like this one. Open, more college like than the others that are more apartment like.
Anyway, it was tons of fun and I love my dorm. Living in the Projects ain’t so bad after all.

***

Meanwhile… Michael is getting a new tattoo. I told him that I wished I’d been there for his tattoo, it’s just one more big part of life I’d missed out on. And truly it is. Working a long distance relationship as we are I want to miss out on as little of his life as I can, especially the big life-long things like a tattoo. I told him I rather he could be here for my piercing but I’m not sure I want to wait that long… (and after all he didn’t wait for me, right?) So yes, I will probably get my piercing without him, but that’s not the current point. He said that he wouldn’t mind waiting for me and getting it while I’m out visiting him. Which I’m grateful for. Perhaps he understands, and if nothing else he humors me patiently, right? Anyway, he said - and I quote - “Hell, maybe you can get your own tattoo.” Truth be told I’d been humoring the idea of getting more than just the ring tattoo when I get married…I just hadn’t mentioned it to anyone. Wasn’t sure of two things; one, if it was a big enough whim to follow through with, and two, if there is something meaningful enough to get. I’m thinking, if I get anything, it’ll be on the feet. One, the other, or both I don’t know. What it’d be, I don’t know. Maybe something music-y. We all know how big a deal music has always been… And what’s more, this could be a very cool experience for Michael and I to share - both of us getting a tattoo at the same time, being there for each other, and et cetera. I’m not entirely sure if I want it - not 1000% like I am with the piercing. But I’m going to wait until after the piercing because I think it’ll help push me one way or the other in my decision. Either after my piercing, I will probably either REALLY want it or not want it at all. We’ll see.
Mebbe I can put up the three pics I've been really looking at...

Hello all,

I realize it's been a while. I attempted to post one las tnight but the internet crapped out on me. Surprise surprise.

So let us see, what is there to talk of?...

Well, Michael came. He arrived on the 3rd, left on the 6th. It was fun. Walked the geyesers around Old Faithful, watched Old Faithful go off, went to dinner at the Snow Lodge, saw two bison and two baby bison.... Didn't really do super much, but it was SO nice to just have him with me for a while. I figured it up and in the last about 7 and a half months, we've seen each other approximately 14 days. And we wont see each other again until October, hopefully. The two bison we saw, with the two babies, are practically our own resident ones. They and one big male bison hang around the area and almost never leave. They wander from Bitterroot dorm (down the way a ways) down to the parkinglot and around my dorm and whatever, but almost never leave the area. It's nice. One of the little ones already looks to be shedding his baby red fur for darker stuffs of the adults, but it also looks like he's favoring his right hind leg. People think he'd been attacked or something, because we did see him limp and we THINK we saw a bit of blood. Terribly depressing, but such is life in the wild, right? And just because they hang around "civilization" doesn't make them tame by ANY means.
So yes, Michael left and I took my first sick day to take him to the airport. Called it a mental health day. The next day quite a few people asked me if I was better. "Well, mostly yeah"... But Jessica - the Queen of the Food &Beverage for the OFI came up to me and asked me what was wrong and am I better... "Well, I know it was mostly in my head, but it was one of those go to work and threaten people's lives, or stay home..." and she said "well I'm glad that you took the day off then" and walked away. I'm sure most of them, especially her, thought it was PMS or something. And I don't care. Call it whatever you like, just so lng as you don't give me crap about it so I don't have to go off on you and I'm ok. :D